Friday, July 19, 2013

Dear Eleanor / your feet

Dear Eleanor,
This is the letter I have put off writing. I'm not even sure why, as the ending of the story is perfect. Maybe it's because it brings up those same feelings of uncertainty, of a lack of control, of fear, that I don't like to deal with as your Mama. 
But nonetheless, this story is yours, and therefore it has to be told.

When your Daddy and I saw you for the first time, it was when you had been in my belly for 20 weeks. I was halfway through my pregnancy with you and we were so excited to see your little face on that black and white screen. When Mommy was pregnant with your sister we saw her when I was 8 weeks pregnant, but since there were no problems with that pregnancy, they decided I could wait with you. It was so exciting, we were talking about what whether you were a girl or boy, and if you would look like your sister or look completely different. 

When you popped up on that screen we were filled with amazement at how feisty you were (and you haven't changed a bit). We marveled at how your profile looked just like Adeline except that your nose was different. We wondered if you were a boy or a girl. We were in awe that God had once again blessed us with a healthy, beautiful, baby.

When we left the Dr's office, Daddy and I went out to eat and talked about you some more and looked at your cute pictures. We prayed and thanked God for all He had done for us. Mommy went home since I had taken a half day from work for the appointment but Daddy went back to work.

I was just getting settled in at home when I got a phone call from Dr. Bonar, Mommy's doctor. She said that she wanted to schedule another ultrasound for a month away because there were some concerns from the ultrasound. They were worried about your feet. You see, they couldn't see one of them. It wasn't showing up on the ultrasound and in the rush to get to her next patient she had forgot to mention it to us at the office.
She explained that it could be a number of things. It could be that you were simply positioned weirdly and thus your foot wasn't easily seen. It could be club feet, where your feet are twisted inwardly and would require multiple surgeries beginning soon after birth. It could also be that you simply didn't have one foot. 
I hung up the phone feeling numb.  Although I knew that what the Dr. had just told me wasn't life threatening, I knew that there was a possibility that you had something wrong with you. Something that could impact your quality of life. Something that would be painful for you to fix and very expensive. 
I called your Daddy and explained to him what the doctor had said and I kept up a very strong front until I heard the quiver in his voice over the phone, reflecting his own worry. At that point I broke down and cried for you and prayed that everything would be okay.
The next month was the longest month ever. At times, it was easy for your Daddy and I to forget about your feet, and at other times, I would get images of you struggling to walk and having one surgery after another in hopes of correcting the problem. I would imagine you never being able to ride a bike, or play with your sister. These times were the hardest. It was during these times that I clung to two specific verses that God placed in my heart.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mothers womb." Psalm 139:13
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5

These verses brought comfort to me over and over again and reminded me that God was in control of your body and that He loves you more than I ever could.
You are also surrounded by powerful prayer warriors sweet girl. There were so many people praying for you. Praying sweet words of healing over your little body and precious words of comfort over your Mommy and Daddy. You are blessed to be loved by so many amazing servants of God. 
When the day of the ultrasound rolled around, I woke up feeling so nervous and yet, there was a sense of peace around us that I can't explain. As the ultrasound tech rubbed the gel on my belly and began the ultrasound your Daddy and I held hands and watched, both scared to death, and yet comforting one another silently. 
It seemed like forever before the ultrasound tech began to examine your limbs. She found one hand and then the next. One foot, and then...
the other foot. Perfectly straight, perfectly positioned. Perfect.
I remember hearing those words "the feet look fine."
So simple, so calm, and yet so profound. While they bore no significance to her, they were everything to us. Your Daddy let out the breath he had been holding and I let out a big "Praise Jesus!" A weight I didn't even know existed fell off our shoulders. You were fine. 

Immediately I sent out a text and posted on Facebook the ultrasound of your feet with the simple words "Her beautiful, perfect, feet." Only a select few even knew that there had been a concern but I didn't care.
We called your grandparents and they were so excited. Your Grandma McGee however stopped me in my tracks when she said that "God had performed a miracle and healed your feet." You see, your silly Mama's thinking was off. I was thinking that since you feet were fine, they must have always been fine and it was just a misunderstanding from day one. But your Grandma made me stop and think. What if your foot was clubbed on that ultrasound? What if it was missing? What if, something had been wrong, but by faith and prayer all had been made new and right? Baby girl, we will never know what your little foot looked like on that ultrasound at 20 weeks, but what we do know is that God had performed a miracle by the one at 24 weeks.

So what do I want you to take from this? Sweet child, I want you to know that you have been prayed over since you were conceived. You have been given a gift, perhaps even a second chance. I want you to run like the wind and remember the prayers that allowed it to happen. I want you to walk for Christ and thank Him for all He has already done for you. I want you to look at other people who God may have had another plan for and remember that His plan for you could have been different. I want you to know that you are blessed.  

When you were born, the first thing I wanted to do was just like every other mother - I wanted to count your fingers and your toes. But this time it was special. When I counted your toes, I was reminded again that they are all absolutely 

I love you baby girl.
Yours forever,

1 comment:

  1. God is good! Praise His Holy Name! I rejoice with you.



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